Tired of Giving Up

Maybe I'm just stupid. I constantly find myself giving things up to hold on to what I have. Ten years ago I decided to head 800 miles south to start a new life and it's something I've questioned everyday since. I have it good here, no lie, but when I think of all the things I miss about home and the people I've left behind I really start to feel stupid. What did I expect from doing this? Sitting here in a nice house with two precious boys sleeping in their beds I can't help but feel very selfish about feeling so alone. I'm hung up on the thoughts of things I used to enjoy and the way of life I always imagined. Did I really think it would be ok to just say "never mind" to all of that? I've even been guilty of sacrificing a friendship because I was selfish with what it really meant to me. Another costly move. So I find myself once again giving up something else and pushing back what I miss the most .... for what? There is no rewind button and I am running out of time, it seems, to get things right. I don't even know what right is, let alone where to begin to find it. I'd cry out for help but there's no one to hear me. So what now? Do I give up on me too? Is that what it takes? I hope not because I am just not willing to do that. However, it seems that is the point it has come to. When do we finally get the courage to say I am giving up on giving up!!

29 Days and Counting!

In just 29 days I will be on may way back home to the great midwest!! Words cannot describe how happy that makes me and if people could see what was going on inside my head they would truly think I was nuts! But in a good way...hopefully. My one major wish for my winter visits this year...SNOW!! It's been way too long since I have wiped out playing in some snow and I want to do it again before I'm really too old. And it would be really cool to see my boys play in it like I used to. We shall see though.
So if anyone up there reads this and wants to go 4-wheelin in some snow..you know who to call!! See you in 29 days Clark County!

The Lesson of Strength

Is it just because we are missing something immensely that we constantly seek? No secret that I am in a transitional state in my life. I have unintentionally sought, but have surely found. I have constant reminders of what used to be, and I do so purposefully. It's because what "used to be" is my most cherished moment thus far on a personal level. I could not function here in the present without the "used to be's" I hold on to. Now I am looking forward and trying to figure out how to incorporate the "used to be's" into the "what lie ahead's" Yes, completely confusing, but so important.
I remember the lesson of strength from my Granny. I can only think of 2 occasions where she actually complained of something. She went through times that I will never imagine and yet I find myself complaining to myself about something everyday. Is it greed? selfishness? weakeness? Even while dying she did not complain. I will stride, but will never match that kind of strength, even when I need it most. I have to look back and remember in order to gain courage to go forth. Tonight I want something I cannot have, but I will not dwell in the sorrow of it. Instead, I will be glad in the blessings I have received and make the most of them. I don't care anymore if I have everyone's approval. I'm not sorry for my decisions. It's the example of strength that I have seen that makes me turn and face challenges head-on. I don't have the slightest clue as to what lies ahead, but when I look back and think of you, Granny, I feel the courage to go forth, right or wrong, and face the consequence of my decisions.