Dad and Retirment

First and foremost: Happy New Year! I am looking forward to a brand new start at several things this year, all of which can only happen by my own making. I think my dad is looking forward to the seminar at work next week that will tell them about their new retirement options. I thought it was pretty cool that he was actually talking about slowing down and retiring from his carpentry job until he said he was about ready to give up the cows and the farm too. He probably heard my heart thud as it splattered to the floor while we were talking on the phone. The thought of going down to his place and not seeing any cows or fields literally makes me nauseous at the very thought. Of course I have no intentions of telling him what to do or suggest that he keep it going for my sake, but dear God in Heaven, how my heart will break when there is nothing left on that beautiful piece of land. I keep thinking to myself, maybe he will hold on a little while longer, long enough so my kids will know the feeling of running barefoot through the freshly plowed dirt. Maybe he can hold out another fall so they can fill their noses with the scent of harvest. To be totally honest, I was looking forward to the summer they would be old enough to help paw-paw bale hay in the sweltering heat. Some of my dreams for them will be shattered if he quits all-together.
At the same time, I will be a little relieved if he does slow down. It's hard for a man in his 60's to take care of 120 acres, 40+ head of cattle and hold down a full time job. Oh and did I mention he has to cut all his firewood himself just to keep warm in the winter? So while this lifestyle still holds its romance for me, he absolutely deserves the break. Hopefully I can share most of my childhood with my boys before its all gone.
So cheers to new beginning in a new year, even if it means letting go of those old, comfortable things that we want to hold on to so desperately.

Christmas Past

With the Holidays approaching I thought it would be a nice time to remind myself of what Christmas is really all about. It seems so ridiculous how we all get caught up in making everything look so pretty from our giant, pre-lit Christmas trees so overdone lighting on the house. Even Christmas cards have become somewhat of a competition with the photo-card fad. Then I look under the tree and literally think how we are buying ourselves out of the meaning of this holiday. Christ was not born onto this Earth to shower us with gifts, so why do we do it in His name? The one thing we were promised was love and that we would be shown it everyday, yet we celebrate such a simple concept in the most elaborate ways.
Take me back to the simplicity of the holiday....take me back to my Granny's house on Christmas Day. It was torture in the best way possible. I remember many times walking in he house mid-morning absolutely dying with anticipation of what was under the tree for me, yet well aware that it would not be the fanciest nor the most expensive gift I would receive. It didn't matter because it was often her gift or gifts that meant the most. She always cooked an outstanding meal for all who were there. Staying inside waiting on that fabulous food was antagonizing to say the least, so the kids would head off into the wilderness for an adventure of somekind. It usually involved someone climbing really high up onto something they shouldn't be on. We were always back in the house in time for dinner. It was a rule that everyone eat dinner first and help with the dishes. Absolutely no presents were to be opened until the work was done. If we weren't helping with dishes or having coffee we would set near the tree and guess what our presents were while playing cards.
The tree looked the same almost every year too. A 5ft cedar decorated with the biggest christmas lights I had seen and glass bulbs with a plastic and foil twinkling star on top always sat in the south window of the living room. A stocking for each grandkid was filled with peanuts, homemade candies and an orange...every year the same. One-by-one the gifts were unwrapped and each person was grateful if it was a package of socks or a nice desk set. Granny always went last because of course we saved the best gifts for last. It was so much more fun to see her face light up with joy as she was surprised with each gift. I hope she knew how much we all appreciated her Christmas and how much she touched us with the simplicity of it. It truly conveyed the message that Jesus had for us. Love one another and rejoice in the Lord. Thanks Granny!

Made it Home...and Made it Home Again

What a week! We were able to make it back home to Illinois for Thanksgiving. It was really a lot of fun to see the family and catch up with some old friends. If you are from Marshall you know that the Corner is THE place to go and have a drink. So in true Marshall style we met up at the Corner and wandered over to the VFW and saw a band with the oldest drummer alive. It was pretty cool really. His t-shirt read "Rock and Roll Lives!" To top the night off, we stumbled on over to the Frontier to watch karaoke. Now that's interesting! We also got in an all-important tractor ride, a Jr. High basketball game, gave a pitching lesson, and ate like a fool. I love being able to bring my kids back to the town where I grew up and experience the simple things. It seems like things down here are never simple. I can relax up North and be a better mommy. Sadly, our visit was cut short by a day thanks to a Southern Winter Storm. Yep.....snow and ice in South Louisiana. The TV headline read "Sneaux Mania." Seriously?

*sigh*

I had high hopes for myself pretty much all my life. Dreamed of a big farm house surrounded by corn fields, 4-wheelin' and fishin' on the weekends, and being surrounded by family and friends. I even concocted this idea once that marriage meant people supporting each other and cherishing the time they have with each other and their children, unconditionally. I guess we're taught that so we go ahead and let ourselves fall in love to the point of marriage and family. I'm sitting here tonight wondering what the heck happened. Why is it only half way or less most of the time? I'm really trying not to let my frustrations get the best of me but it gets a little harder with each disappointment.

Back To School.....So To Speak

Hooray! We survived the tonsilectomy with only a few minor incidents along the way. Now it's time to get back into gear and movin' forward again. For me, that means picking up a few sub jobs here and there until it's time for the real work to begin. In January I will be the Pitching Coach for one of the local high schools. It's totally my dream job, but it will mean some sacrafice and adjustment for the family, mainly the kids. The hours are pretty good and I think the only time it may affect them is for a long away game or weekend tournament. Anxiety is almost overwhelming at the thought of leaving them for any length of time or at night, but I go in confidence that they are in good care. (*sigh*....even though nobody does it like mommy) So, in the meantime I am slowly getting them used to being in Grandma's care by substituting a few days a week. And why not, a little extra cash never hurt! Whatever it takes to fatten up the vacation envelope. Now back to studying pitching grips and spins...oh and stride and wrist snap....

Some Catching Up

Wow! It has been a really long time since my last post. I'm going to blame it all on my 3 year old. About 6 weeks ago he and I had terrible head colds that lasted about 10 days. Mine got better pretty quickly, his seemed to linger a bit longer but had improved. In came the parents for a 2-week visit. Just so happens the evening they are crossing the Atchafalaya Basin bridge between Baton Rouge and Lafayette, my poor boy gets hurt playing and has a case of Nurse Maid's elbow. (OUCH!) My mom made it just in time to see us drive out on our way to the Emergency Room. I should have known the visit would be doomed from that point on. A night or two passes and we notice he is now snoring loudly and is having some sleep apnea.....then a scary moment of apnea. Headed to the pediatrician's office the next morning. Surprise! He has strep throat and his tonsils are practically touching. Here's the kicker...never ran a fever, so who knew! I felt bad...really bad. A 10-day round of antibiotics and he should be better....right? WRONG-O! Redness is gone, tonsils still touching and we now do not leave him alone to to sleep because the apnea is so bad. Back to the ped's office, try an allergy med for a few days, video tape his apnea and wait on a call. Waited long enough called them up to make sure they forwarded the files to an ENT. Finally get an appointment with Dr. Robin Barry, whom I mention by name because I believe in his ability so much. Checks the ears, looks good...check the nose, looks pretty good...say aaaahhh..........silent pause. He turns to us and asks how this child breathes. So he sheduled a tonsilectomy. Had the surgery 6 days ago, as per this post, and is recoverying pretty well. Wheeeewww! So that in a nutshell has been the better part of the last month for me. I am SO looking forward to a clean bill of health. Post-op check-up tomorrow. Crossing my fingers for good news.

Someplace Else

Nobody said life would always be gumballs and lollipops, right? No doubt I have a good life and I love the people in it, though it is certainly not what I ever imagined it would be. It seems selfish as I sit here and write about it, but there are times that I would just like to hit the pause button and spend a little time back when things were a little more simple. I can't pinpoint a specific time, but I can clearly pick out moments and places and time frames that set me at ease and put me back on the right track. I want to make life like those moments but can't quite reach that goal yet. It frustrates me, saddens me a little and angers me at times. But reality reminds me that I can't make something what it isn't.

I can't make my Granny's sun bonnet bob up and down between the tomato vines or blackberry bushes...can't get water for my Paw Paw in his favorite tin cup...can't walk in grass higher than my head without a care or fear in the world...won't be wading in clear creek water and watch the minnows swim around my toes anytime soon...can't sit in the driveway for hours looking for Indian beads...can't reach down and grab a handful of chalk before my next pitch...no sitting on the dock with moon shining bright waiting for a catfish to take the bait...no more waking up to a blanket of fresh snow....no more lots of things.

What can I do? I guess that's to be determined. Something for sure is missing and I need to figure it out. In the meantime I will treasure the things and moments that I do have. It's the stone cold truth that tomorrow is not promised so no more living the fool's life and waiting for things to happen or work out.