Is It Really the Past?

I have always believed the people we run across in life and the experiences we have happen for a reason. It's just really hard to decipher what that reason is. Sometimes I wonder if I have missed the point on some of these events. Could it be possible there is a second chance sometimes? I am bothered by the fact that I often feel more in touch with people who are 800 miles away than I do with people that live next door and call themselves family. Maybe it's easier now because I need them more than ever. You don't intend on starting a life somewhere that 10 years later you are as lonely as you've ever been. Who's fault? I believe it's a joint effort. No blames here. So to those of you whom I thought were in the past.. I'm really glad you are in the present. And to you that have made a point to remember me, thank you so much.

Veteran's Day Salute

In 1967, a young man from rural Illinois just graduated high school. Half a world away a war was raging, and fearing the draft, he enlists to ensure himself proper training. He arrives in Vietnam in 1968 during the infamous Tet Offensive. Countless sleepless nights and sights and sounds that he couldn't forget soon enough filled his tour. The bravery that it took to knowingly place himself in that situation is amazing, as is the bravery it takes for anyone to volunteer a portion of their life to military action. Thankfully, that young man made it home safely and I still have him around to call him dad. Veteran's Day is for you, dad, and all the brave men and women who volunteer their lives before our own. Thank you.

I Have the Best Boys!

Innocence is hard to come by in today's world. So are true caring and compassionate individuals. Today I found a couple. As I lay doubled over with terrible stomach pains this afternoon, both of my boys came to my rescue even when no one else seemed too worried about it. Coy could offer little more than a sweet snuggle and occasional pat on my head but it meant the world. Harris, turned caregiver, asked if he could get me anything and proceeded to run to the kitchen and make me a glass of ice water before I could even answer. It was one of the sweetest things I had ever experienced until I told them I was sorry for not feeling well and they reply came "You don't have to be sorry mom. We'll take care of you."

Love you guys!

Tired of Giving Up

Maybe I'm just stupid. I constantly find myself giving things up to hold on to what I have. Ten years ago I decided to head 800 miles south to start a new life and it's something I've questioned everyday since. I have it good here, no lie, but when I think of all the things I miss about home and the people I've left behind I really start to feel stupid. What did I expect from doing this? Sitting here in a nice house with two precious boys sleeping in their beds I can't help but feel very selfish about feeling so alone. I'm hung up on the thoughts of things I used to enjoy and the way of life I always imagined. Did I really think it would be ok to just say "never mind" to all of that? I've even been guilty of sacrificing a friendship because I was selfish with what it really meant to me. Another costly move. So I find myself once again giving up something else and pushing back what I miss the most .... for what? There is no rewind button and I am running out of time, it seems, to get things right. I don't even know what right is, let alone where to begin to find it. I'd cry out for help but there's no one to hear me. So what now? Do I give up on me too? Is that what it takes? I hope not because I am just not willing to do that. However, it seems that is the point it has come to. When do we finally get the courage to say I am giving up on giving up!!

29 Days and Counting!

In just 29 days I will be on may way back home to the great midwest!! Words cannot describe how happy that makes me and if people could see what was going on inside my head they would truly think I was nuts! But in a good way...hopefully. My one major wish for my winter visits this year...SNOW!! It's been way too long since I have wiped out playing in some snow and I want to do it again before I'm really too old. And it would be really cool to see my boys play in it like I used to. We shall see though.
So if anyone up there reads this and wants to go 4-wheelin in some snow..you know who to call!! See you in 29 days Clark County!

The Lesson of Strength

Is it just because we are missing something immensely that we constantly seek? No secret that I am in a transitional state in my life. I have unintentionally sought, but have surely found. I have constant reminders of what used to be, and I do so purposefully. It's because what "used to be" is my most cherished moment thus far on a personal level. I could not function here in the present without the "used to be's" I hold on to. Now I am looking forward and trying to figure out how to incorporate the "used to be's" into the "what lie ahead's" Yes, completely confusing, but so important.
I remember the lesson of strength from my Granny. I can only think of 2 occasions where she actually complained of something. She went through times that I will never imagine and yet I find myself complaining to myself about something everyday. Is it greed? selfishness? weakeness? Even while dying she did not complain. I will stride, but will never match that kind of strength, even when I need it most. I have to look back and remember in order to gain courage to go forth. Tonight I want something I cannot have, but I will not dwell in the sorrow of it. Instead, I will be glad in the blessings I have received and make the most of them. I don't care anymore if I have everyone's approval. I'm not sorry for my decisions. It's the example of strength that I have seen that makes me turn and face challenges head-on. I don't have the slightest clue as to what lies ahead, but when I look back and think of you, Granny, I feel the courage to go forth, right or wrong, and face the consequence of my decisions.

I Hear It Calling

The road home is a long one that's for sure. I wish when I get there my Granny and Paw Paw would be waiting for me. But they won't physically, though that almost doesn't matter. I know that their lessons to me, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, are what matter most. I'm here now, sitting in the place I call home, yet my heart is saying it's time to go. It's time to return to the place that you need and which needs you most. The things that I have always loved are there and are the same things that have always loved me in return. I have come to realize that it isn't a physical, human love which satisfies me most, though it is longed for just the same. It's that spiritual happiness that makes us feel whole. I don't have that here. I'm filling a roll, though not one I was prepared for. I can't teach my boys about happiness here because here it is about avoiding chaos and hiding in the shadows in hopes of not being noticed. I want them to feel alive, to experience life, not question it. It is shameful that it takes some of us so long to realize what means the most and to recognize our limits of giving if the return is not equal or greater. It's been a good run here, but I am almost done. I'm ready to go home.

Friends Will Bring You Home if You Know Where Home Is..

Don't we all wish we had a "redo" at some point in life? I find myself more and more these days looking back at that picture of the long road home. There's so much peace in it yet it nearly drives me to tears to think of all the memories that could have been. How could I have ran from something like that, thinking there was no hope, nothing left? Too bad hindsight is 20/20 and we can look back and rationalize the decisions we've made and the ones we didn't. There is hope though. In all the times I have felt all hope was lost, true friends, old and new, have risen to the occasion and pulled me out of the depths of self-pity. Why waste this wonderful lifetime on myself? One day I will grab my kids by the hands and walk them down the road home, thanks to the inspiring words of true friends who care with generosity. Most things, I am learning, are not forever, and perhaps they were never meant to be such. There are a few things, though, that will outlast our most vivid ideals and remind us of hope and of love and of inspiration and of the things that rooted us in our very being. Home, and all the things that define it, may not pertain to specific geographical location as much as a state of being, as in total content. Realizing where home is and why you need to be there can be as scary as leaving the geographic home. Returning to it would be near mortifying if it weren't for the sincerity of a friend who can reinforce and validate your strongest feelings of why you need to be back there in the first place. My friends, one day I will be walking down that long road again, remorseful of ever having left in the first place.

LOONNGG Overdue!

Boy! It's really been a long time since I last blogged. The thought of it crossed my mind a hundred times. No worries, though, life has been good. Crazy busy, but good. As per my last post, I experienced my first year as an assistant high school softball coach. My family made some time sacrifices for me to be able to do this and I am so very thankful they found a survival instinct and made it through just fine. I on the other hand, I NEEDED this to happen. It really turned out to be as much of a self-reflection experience as it was a teach and give back experience. To keep a long story short, our team went through a roller coaster of a season with injuries, adversity, and even a player being asked to leave. In the end, it turned out to be a winning season, not only on paper, but for players and coaches alike. I really think something special happened there at the end and it wouldn't have mattered if that last win was our only win. Since then I have been trying to transition back into stay-at-home-mommy mode with a few days of substitute teaching and pitching lessons here and there. I'm really feeling confident about myself these days and I am hoping I can keep up this attitude because literally nothing bothers me anymore. No matter how crappy of an attitude people can have or how frustrating things can seem, I'm able to find a way to make it happen and move forward...solo or otherwise. It feels great!

I Need A Maple Tree

"Busy" seems to be an understatement lately. Since taking on my ultimate dream job of coaching High School softball, I find myself juggling daily life even more. I get caught up in trying to catch up instead of making the most of the moment. Guilt is a common emotion as I worry about how much time I'm spending away from my two little boys. I think back to my childhood and wonder were "big" people really this busy all the time? It didn't seem so back then, and it doesn't seem so now looking back. So what am I doing wrong? Maybe I'm just plain worrying about all the small stuff too much. Maybe we aren't getting the quality time that we need when we are all together. We need a Maple tree!
Thinking back to when I was a kid "big" people were busy and they did have a lot on their minds, but somehow we still managed to find time to just hang out under the Maple trees in my Granny's yard. You couldn't find cooler shade on a hot, Summer day and the grass beneath those trees were like cool blankets. I remember the guys coming in for dinner break while baling hay to have a sandwich and some lemonade under those trees. Paw Paw would put a chair in the shade while I played nearby and whittle on sticks that I would find for him. He could make the sharpest point I ever seen. Nothing can beat sitting under those trees and snapping beans and shucking corn picked fresh from the garden until the lightning bugs danced all around. Have you ever smelled freshly shucked corn on a still, starlit sky? It's one of the best things ever!
One of those old trees recently became diseased and had to be cut down. It was a sad thing to see all cut to pieces lying in the yard, helpless and dead. Where will all the whittling and shucking take place now? It will never be the same, but in my back yard is planted a red Maple. I think it's in the perfect spot to teach my boys how to make the sharpest points ever and to snap beans we've just picked from the garden. It's most definitely in the best spot to sit under at night and watch the lightning bugs dance. No, it will never be just the same, but maybe it's just what we need.

Taken By Surprise!

Surprises are usually good things right? It's nice to have someone or something wonderful come about out of the blue without the slightest clue of what's going on. My Aunt and Uncle came through big time in the surprise department. Inside an ordinary cardboard box was a birthday card with well wishes and a statement that read "hope this reminds you of your grandma." Inside was a beautiful hand-stitched quilt that was SO much like the ones she used to make. I could cry thinking about it. It has really made my birthday. I'll spare all of the sappy details, but yes, it does remind me of my grandma in the most wonderful of ways!

I'm Back!

I was 9 years old the first year I discovered softball. The park was just down the street from my house and I would ride my bike to the end of the road and watch from the outfield fence. It was fascinating and the thought of waiting until next year to play was almost more than I could handle. Next year finally came and from the second I stepped onto the field I was hooked! There is absolutely nothing better than the sound of that ball popping the glove, shaking the dust from the leather bindings.
My most important life lessons were learned playing that game. Everything from friendship and teamwork, commitment and work to heartache and loss, self-worth and overcoming the odds. My role as a pitcher taught me a whole lot about leading by example and about getting up when you've been knocked down. To my teammates and coaches that shared that stuff with me over the years - Thank You! It's absolutely one thing I would do again if given the chance.
Now fast forward a smidge over 20 years and I find myself in the coaching role. Eight hundred miles away from home and I'm still in the game. This is one of the greatest things that has happened to me to date (aside from the obvious ones) and no way am I not going to make the most of it. There is a lot of sacrifice involved, but aren't the best things in life the ones you've worked hardest for?
Coaching those girls at Acadiana High makes me feel 15 again! It makes me feel like my true self and I get to share all of the stuff I learned as a player with these girls and watch them "get it." It's right up there with being a parent and watching a child learn something new and want more of it. I have high hopes for what this season will mean not only for them, but myself as well.
What can I say except "I'm Back, Baby!"

Dad and Retirment

First and foremost: Happy New Year! I am looking forward to a brand new start at several things this year, all of which can only happen by my own making. I think my dad is looking forward to the seminar at work next week that will tell them about their new retirement options. I thought it was pretty cool that he was actually talking about slowing down and retiring from his carpentry job until he said he was about ready to give up the cows and the farm too. He probably heard my heart thud as it splattered to the floor while we were talking on the phone. The thought of going down to his place and not seeing any cows or fields literally makes me nauseous at the very thought. Of course I have no intentions of telling him what to do or suggest that he keep it going for my sake, but dear God in Heaven, how my heart will break when there is nothing left on that beautiful piece of land. I keep thinking to myself, maybe he will hold on a little while longer, long enough so my kids will know the feeling of running barefoot through the freshly plowed dirt. Maybe he can hold out another fall so they can fill their noses with the scent of harvest. To be totally honest, I was looking forward to the summer they would be old enough to help paw-paw bale hay in the sweltering heat. Some of my dreams for them will be shattered if he quits all-together.
At the same time, I will be a little relieved if he does slow down. It's hard for a man in his 60's to take care of 120 acres, 40+ head of cattle and hold down a full time job. Oh and did I mention he has to cut all his firewood himself just to keep warm in the winter? So while this lifestyle still holds its romance for me, he absolutely deserves the break. Hopefully I can share most of my childhood with my boys before its all gone.
So cheers to new beginning in a new year, even if it means letting go of those old, comfortable things that we want to hold on to so desperately.

Christmas Past

With the Holidays approaching I thought it would be a nice time to remind myself of what Christmas is really all about. It seems so ridiculous how we all get caught up in making everything look so pretty from our giant, pre-lit Christmas trees so overdone lighting on the house. Even Christmas cards have become somewhat of a competition with the photo-card fad. Then I look under the tree and literally think how we are buying ourselves out of the meaning of this holiday. Christ was not born onto this Earth to shower us with gifts, so why do we do it in His name? The one thing we were promised was love and that we would be shown it everyday, yet we celebrate such a simple concept in the most elaborate ways.
Take me back to the simplicity of the holiday....take me back to my Granny's house on Christmas Day. It was torture in the best way possible. I remember many times walking in he house mid-morning absolutely dying with anticipation of what was under the tree for me, yet well aware that it would not be the fanciest nor the most expensive gift I would receive. It didn't matter because it was often her gift or gifts that meant the most. She always cooked an outstanding meal for all who were there. Staying inside waiting on that fabulous food was antagonizing to say the least, so the kids would head off into the wilderness for an adventure of somekind. It usually involved someone climbing really high up onto something they shouldn't be on. We were always back in the house in time for dinner. It was a rule that everyone eat dinner first and help with the dishes. Absolutely no presents were to be opened until the work was done. If we weren't helping with dishes or having coffee we would set near the tree and guess what our presents were while playing cards.
The tree looked the same almost every year too. A 5ft cedar decorated with the biggest christmas lights I had seen and glass bulbs with a plastic and foil twinkling star on top always sat in the south window of the living room. A stocking for each grandkid was filled with peanuts, homemade candies and an orange...every year the same. One-by-one the gifts were unwrapped and each person was grateful if it was a package of socks or a nice desk set. Granny always went last because of course we saved the best gifts for last. It was so much more fun to see her face light up with joy as she was surprised with each gift. I hope she knew how much we all appreciated her Christmas and how much she touched us with the simplicity of it. It truly conveyed the message that Jesus had for us. Love one another and rejoice in the Lord. Thanks Granny!

Made it Home...and Made it Home Again

What a week! We were able to make it back home to Illinois for Thanksgiving. It was really a lot of fun to see the family and catch up with some old friends. If you are from Marshall you know that the Corner is THE place to go and have a drink. So in true Marshall style we met up at the Corner and wandered over to the VFW and saw a band with the oldest drummer alive. It was pretty cool really. His t-shirt read "Rock and Roll Lives!" To top the night off, we stumbled on over to the Frontier to watch karaoke. Now that's interesting! We also got in an all-important tractor ride, a Jr. High basketball game, gave a pitching lesson, and ate like a fool. I love being able to bring my kids back to the town where I grew up and experience the simple things. It seems like things down here are never simple. I can relax up North and be a better mommy. Sadly, our visit was cut short by a day thanks to a Southern Winter Storm. Yep.....snow and ice in South Louisiana. The TV headline read "Sneaux Mania." Seriously?

*sigh*

I had high hopes for myself pretty much all my life. Dreamed of a big farm house surrounded by corn fields, 4-wheelin' and fishin' on the weekends, and being surrounded by family and friends. I even concocted this idea once that marriage meant people supporting each other and cherishing the time they have with each other and their children, unconditionally. I guess we're taught that so we go ahead and let ourselves fall in love to the point of marriage and family. I'm sitting here tonight wondering what the heck happened. Why is it only half way or less most of the time? I'm really trying not to let my frustrations get the best of me but it gets a little harder with each disappointment.

Back To School.....So To Speak

Hooray! We survived the tonsilectomy with only a few minor incidents along the way. Now it's time to get back into gear and movin' forward again. For me, that means picking up a few sub jobs here and there until it's time for the real work to begin. In January I will be the Pitching Coach for one of the local high schools. It's totally my dream job, but it will mean some sacrafice and adjustment for the family, mainly the kids. The hours are pretty good and I think the only time it may affect them is for a long away game or weekend tournament. Anxiety is almost overwhelming at the thought of leaving them for any length of time or at night, but I go in confidence that they are in good care. (*sigh*....even though nobody does it like mommy) So, in the meantime I am slowly getting them used to being in Grandma's care by substituting a few days a week. And why not, a little extra cash never hurt! Whatever it takes to fatten up the vacation envelope. Now back to studying pitching grips and spins...oh and stride and wrist snap....

Some Catching Up

Wow! It has been a really long time since my last post. I'm going to blame it all on my 3 year old. About 6 weeks ago he and I had terrible head colds that lasted about 10 days. Mine got better pretty quickly, his seemed to linger a bit longer but had improved. In came the parents for a 2-week visit. Just so happens the evening they are crossing the Atchafalaya Basin bridge between Baton Rouge and Lafayette, my poor boy gets hurt playing and has a case of Nurse Maid's elbow. (OUCH!) My mom made it just in time to see us drive out on our way to the Emergency Room. I should have known the visit would be doomed from that point on. A night or two passes and we notice he is now snoring loudly and is having some sleep apnea.....then a scary moment of apnea. Headed to the pediatrician's office the next morning. Surprise! He has strep throat and his tonsils are practically touching. Here's the kicker...never ran a fever, so who knew! I felt bad...really bad. A 10-day round of antibiotics and he should be better....right? WRONG-O! Redness is gone, tonsils still touching and we now do not leave him alone to to sleep because the apnea is so bad. Back to the ped's office, try an allergy med for a few days, video tape his apnea and wait on a call. Waited long enough called them up to make sure they forwarded the files to an ENT. Finally get an appointment with Dr. Robin Barry, whom I mention by name because I believe in his ability so much. Checks the ears, looks good...check the nose, looks pretty good...say aaaahhh..........silent pause. He turns to us and asks how this child breathes. So he sheduled a tonsilectomy. Had the surgery 6 days ago, as per this post, and is recoverying pretty well. Wheeeewww! So that in a nutshell has been the better part of the last month for me. I am SO looking forward to a clean bill of health. Post-op check-up tomorrow. Crossing my fingers for good news.

Someplace Else

Nobody said life would always be gumballs and lollipops, right? No doubt I have a good life and I love the people in it, though it is certainly not what I ever imagined it would be. It seems selfish as I sit here and write about it, but there are times that I would just like to hit the pause button and spend a little time back when things were a little more simple. I can't pinpoint a specific time, but I can clearly pick out moments and places and time frames that set me at ease and put me back on the right track. I want to make life like those moments but can't quite reach that goal yet. It frustrates me, saddens me a little and angers me at times. But reality reminds me that I can't make something what it isn't.

I can't make my Granny's sun bonnet bob up and down between the tomato vines or blackberry bushes...can't get water for my Paw Paw in his favorite tin cup...can't walk in grass higher than my head without a care or fear in the world...won't be wading in clear creek water and watch the minnows swim around my toes anytime soon...can't sit in the driveway for hours looking for Indian beads...can't reach down and grab a handful of chalk before my next pitch...no sitting on the dock with moon shining bright waiting for a catfish to take the bait...no more waking up to a blanket of fresh snow....no more lots of things.

What can I do? I guess that's to be determined. Something for sure is missing and I need to figure it out. In the meantime I will treasure the things and moments that I do have. It's the stone cold truth that tomorrow is not promised so no more living the fool's life and waiting for things to happen or work out.

Got That Fall Feelin'

Maybe it's just wishful thinking, since South Louisiana isn't known for stunning seasonal changes. It pretty much goes from hot and unbearable to cold and rainy and right back to hot and unbearable again with a few "nice" days scattered in between. Back home is where Fall really happens. The leaves change to reds, yellows, and oranges before falling to the ground which is great because then you get to rake them into giant leaf piles and jump in them! Crops get harvested, wood is being cut and stacked for winter, fall festivals pop up, Halloween, High School Football...the list goes on. But it's the smell in the air that I miss. The air is crisp and carries perfectly the smell of those fallen leaves and the wood being cut and the ears of corn freshly harvested from the stalks and my oh my those pumpkin pies on the town square at Fall Festival. I love trekking through the woods when there is a nice layer of fallen leaves on the ground. They crunch as you walk, even on cool, misty mornings. The moss on the trees give that deep woodsy scent as you walk by. Wildlife is active and there is a photo-op in almost any direction. Sounds cary for miles it seems yet the quiet is almost deafening as you anticipate what will be heard next.
One of my favorite Fall activities was picking corn with my dad. I'm not talking riding in a combine singing along to the radio either. Remember that John Deere A? Picture that with a one-row corn picker attached and a wood-panel wagon behind that creeping through a field. Once the wagon was full, we'd have to unload it into one of a couple of corn cribs that my dad actually built when he was a kid. The wagon had a lift-gate on the back and it was my job to open that thing enough to let some of the corn spill out onto the hiker that carried it to the top of the corn crib. A crude operation to say the least, but one of my favorite Fall jobs. It was pretty much identical to the picture above (a copy of which is hanging in my son's bedroom). Oh how I miss those days.

I think my next trip home will include a tromp though the misty woods just so I can take a deep breath of that Fall air and smell the crunching leaves.