Is It Really the Past?

I have always believed the people we run across in life and the experiences we have happen for a reason. It's just really hard to decipher what that reason is. Sometimes I wonder if I have missed the point on some of these events. Could it be possible there is a second chance sometimes? I am bothered by the fact that I often feel more in touch with people who are 800 miles away than I do with people that live next door and call themselves family. Maybe it's easier now because I need them more than ever. You don't intend on starting a life somewhere that 10 years later you are as lonely as you've ever been. Who's fault? I believe it's a joint effort. No blames here. So to those of you whom I thought were in the past.. I'm really glad you are in the present. And to you that have made a point to remember me, thank you so much.

Veteran's Day Salute

In 1967, a young man from rural Illinois just graduated high school. Half a world away a war was raging, and fearing the draft, he enlists to ensure himself proper training. He arrives in Vietnam in 1968 during the infamous Tet Offensive. Countless sleepless nights and sights and sounds that he couldn't forget soon enough filled his tour. The bravery that it took to knowingly place himself in that situation is amazing, as is the bravery it takes for anyone to volunteer a portion of their life to military action. Thankfully, that young man made it home safely and I still have him around to call him dad. Veteran's Day is for you, dad, and all the brave men and women who volunteer their lives before our own. Thank you.

I Have the Best Boys!

Innocence is hard to come by in today's world. So are true caring and compassionate individuals. Today I found a couple. As I lay doubled over with terrible stomach pains this afternoon, both of my boys came to my rescue even when no one else seemed too worried about it. Coy could offer little more than a sweet snuggle and occasional pat on my head but it meant the world. Harris, turned caregiver, asked if he could get me anything and proceeded to run to the kitchen and make me a glass of ice water before I could even answer. It was one of the sweetest things I had ever experienced until I told them I was sorry for not feeling well and they reply came "You don't have to be sorry mom. We'll take care of you."

Love you guys!

Tired of Giving Up

Maybe I'm just stupid. I constantly find myself giving things up to hold on to what I have. Ten years ago I decided to head 800 miles south to start a new life and it's something I've questioned everyday since. I have it good here, no lie, but when I think of all the things I miss about home and the people I've left behind I really start to feel stupid. What did I expect from doing this? Sitting here in a nice house with two precious boys sleeping in their beds I can't help but feel very selfish about feeling so alone. I'm hung up on the thoughts of things I used to enjoy and the way of life I always imagined. Did I really think it would be ok to just say "never mind" to all of that? I've even been guilty of sacrificing a friendship because I was selfish with what it really meant to me. Another costly move. So I find myself once again giving up something else and pushing back what I miss the most .... for what? There is no rewind button and I am running out of time, it seems, to get things right. I don't even know what right is, let alone where to begin to find it. I'd cry out for help but there's no one to hear me. So what now? Do I give up on me too? Is that what it takes? I hope not because I am just not willing to do that. However, it seems that is the point it has come to. When do we finally get the courage to say I am giving up on giving up!!

29 Days and Counting!

In just 29 days I will be on may way back home to the great midwest!! Words cannot describe how happy that makes me and if people could see what was going on inside my head they would truly think I was nuts! But in a good way...hopefully. My one major wish for my winter visits this year...SNOW!! It's been way too long since I have wiped out playing in some snow and I want to do it again before I'm really too old. And it would be really cool to see my boys play in it like I used to. We shall see though.
So if anyone up there reads this and wants to go 4-wheelin in some snow..you know who to call!! See you in 29 days Clark County!

The Lesson of Strength

Is it just because we are missing something immensely that we constantly seek? No secret that I am in a transitional state in my life. I have unintentionally sought, but have surely found. I have constant reminders of what used to be, and I do so purposefully. It's because what "used to be" is my most cherished moment thus far on a personal level. I could not function here in the present without the "used to be's" I hold on to. Now I am looking forward and trying to figure out how to incorporate the "used to be's" into the "what lie ahead's" Yes, completely confusing, but so important.
I remember the lesson of strength from my Granny. I can only think of 2 occasions where she actually complained of something. She went through times that I will never imagine and yet I find myself complaining to myself about something everyday. Is it greed? selfishness? weakeness? Even while dying she did not complain. I will stride, but will never match that kind of strength, even when I need it most. I have to look back and remember in order to gain courage to go forth. Tonight I want something I cannot have, but I will not dwell in the sorrow of it. Instead, I will be glad in the blessings I have received and make the most of them. I don't care anymore if I have everyone's approval. I'm not sorry for my decisions. It's the example of strength that I have seen that makes me turn and face challenges head-on. I don't have the slightest clue as to what lies ahead, but when I look back and think of you, Granny, I feel the courage to go forth, right or wrong, and face the consequence of my decisions.

I Hear It Calling

The road home is a long one that's for sure. I wish when I get there my Granny and Paw Paw would be waiting for me. But they won't physically, though that almost doesn't matter. I know that their lessons to me, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, are what matter most. I'm here now, sitting in the place I call home, yet my heart is saying it's time to go. It's time to return to the place that you need and which needs you most. The things that I have always loved are there and are the same things that have always loved me in return. I have come to realize that it isn't a physical, human love which satisfies me most, though it is longed for just the same. It's that spiritual happiness that makes us feel whole. I don't have that here. I'm filling a roll, though not one I was prepared for. I can't teach my boys about happiness here because here it is about avoiding chaos and hiding in the shadows in hopes of not being noticed. I want them to feel alive, to experience life, not question it. It is shameful that it takes some of us so long to realize what means the most and to recognize our limits of giving if the return is not equal or greater. It's been a good run here, but I am almost done. I'm ready to go home.